A red neck rehab kit: Vitamin water to substitute for beer, gum to substitute for chewing tobacco, a vocab book to get literate, and some sunscreen. :)

Entered a contest to go to Southern Nevada . Won the contest an at the radio remote at a local grocery store the 7up rep asked me how many times I had sighned up I told him just enough an when he presented me the winning tickets for a round trip flight 2 nite stay at a hotel a 7up nylon jacket a floating 7up island for a pool an two pair of mens boxer breifs. So when in nevada at christmas I dressed up in the 7up boxers over my clothes an with a red santa hat went out to some bars an had one of the best times ever.Lots of pictures were taken an sent some to the 7up rep an he had great time with them.

My friends know that I love buying lotto scratchers with any chance that I get. So for Christmas last year, i was surprised with a handful of scratchers from my secret santa. I got through a few of them with no luck. Then I won a free scratcher (yay). Went through a few more, winning a whopping $2. Finally on the last one I won BIG. I was so excited!!! I drove straight to the liquor store to redeem my winnings...turns out the ticket was fake. My friend decided to buy me a fake scratcher and let me try to redeem it. Needless to say I was embarrassed...

Oh and I only won a free scratcher and $2. Happy holidays.

Growing up in Scotland, when I was just a 9-year-old boy, my senile grandmother gave me a big box for Christmas. I was so excited to open the big box, and finally she gave me permission. I tore off the wrapping paper, opened the lid, and peered inside. There in the bottom corner of the box was a pair of used, lacy purple women's panties. My senile grandmother laughed hysterically and shouted in her thick Scottish brogue: "I dinnae need them any more, you can have them, y' wee pansy boyyyyyyy." I was mortified and angry. I took the underpants and threw them at her head, as I ran out of the room. That's one of the last memories I have of my Grannie since she died the next year: her deranged laughing--with purple, lacy grannie panties on her face.

A can of "spotted dick" from @Mai Vanderaa

http://spotteddick.net

When I moved into the country, my parents were always complaining about the sheer amount of extra space I had. Last year they bought me a live goat, with a bow around it's neck to encourage me to start a farm? Worst of all, they brought it to my house in the backseat of a new sedan. I think there are still marks on the headrest where he was gnawing.

When I worked at Staples a few years back, for christmas my boss gave me a $5 gift card to (you guessed it) Staples. It was the ultimate troll.